The sigh

I hate irrationality. It is very near to the top of my (non-existent) list of things that I really can't stand. What bothers me even more, though, is when I am acting irrationally. I want to be able to delve into my brain and flip the switches that need to be flipped so that I can act rationally. Why can't I just be happy with a good thing. Not just a good thing, a really good thing, for which there was no reason to be unhappy. Mind you it's not that I was unhappy; but I wasn't ecstatic, there was no reason not to be ecstatic, there was plenty of reason to be very happy, but I couldn't feel it, it wasn't there in my chest, I needed to feel love and I didn't. It wouldn't have been fair to keep going like that. I waited, desperately wishing for the emotions to come which would make the tears unnecessary. The emotions never came, how I wish they would have. Why couldn't I just convince my heart that it was being stupid, my brain knew it, but my heart wouldn't listen. And if there's something I hate even more than acting irrationally, it's making a girl cry. I absolutely despise myself when it happens. I've always had a really soft spot for emotionally distressed females. There is very little that I would not do to help a crying girl. Yet here I sit, having caused such distress to someone completely undeserving of it. Sitting at my desk listening to my "sleep" mix, not feeling like sleeping. Oddly enough the rational part of my mind that functions in some detached manner from the irrational part knows that what I feel is depression. Not clinical depression, just normal life depression. I know the symptoms, I can recognize them in myself, but still succumb to the effects. I wish there were switches in my brain that I could flip as needed. But I suppose that would make me a computer, programmable to obtain the desired behavior. It would still be really convenient at times.

Sorry for the ramblings, as I said, I don't feel much like sleeping.

To Alishka: Again, I'm sorry. I know that you will find a guy who is completely crazy about you. I wish it could have been me, but, alas, my emotions do not cooperate with logic.