Getting Married!

This news just in:

Curious Physics Minor and The Heartless Siren to Wed!
Details are sketchy, but this engagement has been confirmed by multiple sources. Here are our exclusive pictures of the ring:

Questions For Me

Well, mainly just one question for me:

For someone so cynical about so much of life why do I allow myself to be so foolishly optimistic about dating?

Why do I let myself build up hopes and wishes when I know that it will only mean there will be further to fall when things don't work out, which they never do. So, I guess it's time to be done with all the nonsense of dating again for awhile. I've put myself out there several times in the last few months, and I'm tired of the results.

Five Love Languages

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

My Detailed Results:
Physical Touch:	10
Quality Time:	8
Acts of Service:	5
Words of Affirmation:	5
Receiving Gifts:	2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

But Happy

My previous two posts would suggest that I am in a rather unpleasant mood. And, I was. But despite my lack of sleep and my cold, I am happy. I just got home from a date that went really well and I'm really looking forward to my next opportunity to spend time with the girl in question. So, yes, I am currently and honestly happy. Which hasn't been the case for a while. So I'm going to relish in this and go play so Guitar Hero to celebrate.

Random Poetry

Here are some random lines I wrote at some point. I found them on a piece of paper that came out of my church stuff, so I must have written them while bored at church at some point. I usually like to keep track of the dates that I write stuff, but I have no idea on this, sometime between September 2007 and April 2008. The second one can certainly use some polish, but I like them both anyways:

Untitled 1:
A cold night
The white dust falls to the ground
Silence encompasses my soul
Here I am, alone


Untitled 2:
It doesn't matter where you are today
It only matters that you're far away
Why did it take so long to meet you?
I am here, but you are elsewhere
and so we talk from afar.
The words I say travel long to touch you
Can you feel my voice in their form?

A Night with the Exes

Krishna wanted me write this post, so here it is.

Friday night Krishna and I went to see Alishka perform in Ballet Showcase. She also choreographed one of the pieces so it was fun to go see. We thoroughly enjoyed the performance. Both Krishna's and my favorite piece was "Windchimes". We also liked the piece Alishka choreographed, the dresses in it were very pretty, she said it turned out exactly how she wanted it to, which must have been very satisfying.

After the performance we met up with Alishka and then went to IHOP for a late breakfast-for-dinner. They each had the Stuffed French Toast and I had the three pancakes meal. There isn't really much of an exciting story to tell of the evening, but Krishna wanted to me to write about spending the evening with two ex-girlfriends.

I suppose to some people it must seem very strange to spend an evening with two previous girlfriends. I never understood why it would be a big deal until I had that one relationship end in disaster, apparently that is how many people expect relationships to end. I don't see why that should be the norm. Seems to me that if two people actually cared about each other, but decide to break up there's no reason to not still be friends. Yes, it takes some time to adjust to being friends and not dating, but it's not that huge of a transition. I'm glad that I can still be friends with a girl after our relationship ends. Of the five girls I've had exclusive relationships with it's just the one that I'm not friends with still.

The great thing about being friends with ex-girlfriends is that you can do things together without having the awkward "I wonder if they want to date me or if we're just friends" problems. You both know where you stand. So to all the readers out there, remember, you can be friends after dating, so long as one of you isn't crazy.

Feeling Down

It's almost funny, the little things that trigger a drastic change in mood, or cause a mood shift to become recognized as such. I was just skipping around the inter-webs, scanning through the "blogosphere" (have I ever mentioned how retarded I think that word is?), and upon reading a couple of friends' entries was hit by slight depression in having not seen these friends in awhile. One because of her getting married and moving to San Francisco (I'm looking at you Lavish), and others for various reasons of people being busy, or not living near anymore, or other reasons.

.......... [sigh]


And so I sit here listening to Dashboard Confessional. Good solid emo sounds for a depressed mind.


This is going to get very bleeding-heart-worn-on-my-sleeve in a minute, and I apologize in advance.

I just want someone to share my life with. I want someone to cook for. I want someone to take care of. I want someone that I am absolutely head-over-heels about, and that feels the same way for me.



Why do friends have to leave, or slip away?

It takes so much time and energy for me to form relationships to a level where I consider them "friends". It's a curse of being an introvert. Especially because it makes it extra-hard to make friends with other introverts. So you end up being friends with extroverts, people who will call you "friend" after saying your name and shaking your hand.

So much time and energy and then they just slip away.

A few years ago I would picture my future and could see a wife and a family, a house, getting by in the world. Recently that future has been getting harder and harder to picture. I'm beginning to think it much more likely that I will simply continue living alone (or with my 4-year roommate Papa Funk), going about my menial life doing mostly menial things. Sure I'll probably have money, I'm smart enough to get a well paying job. But, as nice as having money will be, I already crave more than money can provide.


All I really want is someone that I'm absolutely crazy about that I can lavish my attention on.

Is that so much to ask?

The sigh

I hate irrationality. It is very near to the top of my (non-existent) list of things that I really can't stand. What bothers me even more, though, is when I am acting irrationally. I want to be able to delve into my brain and flip the switches that need to be flipped so that I can act rationally. Why can't I just be happy with a good thing. Not just a good thing, a really good thing, for which there was no reason to be unhappy. Mind you it's not that I was unhappy; but I wasn't ecstatic, there was no reason not to be ecstatic, there was plenty of reason to be very happy, but I couldn't feel it, it wasn't there in my chest, I needed to feel love and I didn't. It wouldn't have been fair to keep going like that. I waited, desperately wishing for the emotions to come which would make the tears unnecessary. The emotions never came, how I wish they would have. Why couldn't I just convince my heart that it was being stupid, my brain knew it, but my heart wouldn't listen. And if there's something I hate even more than acting irrationally, it's making a girl cry. I absolutely despise myself when it happens. I've always had a really soft spot for emotionally distressed females. There is very little that I would not do to help a crying girl. Yet here I sit, having caused such distress to someone completely undeserving of it. Sitting at my desk listening to my "sleep" mix, not feeling like sleeping. Oddly enough the rational part of my mind that functions in some detached manner from the irrational part knows that what I feel is depression. Not clinical depression, just normal life depression. I know the symptoms, I can recognize them in myself, but still succumb to the effects. I wish there were switches in my brain that I could flip as needed. But I suppose that would make me a computer, programmable to obtain the desired behavior. It would still be really convenient at times.

Sorry for the ramblings, as I said, I don't feel much like sleeping.

To Alishka: Again, I'm sorry. I know that you will find a guy who is completely crazy about you. I wish it could have been me, but, alas, my emotions do not cooperate with logic.

Nurturer

I've come to realize over the last week or so that I am a nurturer. I really like doing nice things for people. I like to take care of my friends when they aren't feeling well. I like to surprise people with thoughtful things. I really like bringing flowers to a girl spontaneously and watching her smile, giggle, and get all giddy. I like putting a blanket over someone when they've fallen asleep and the room gets cold. I like making people hot chocolate on cool autumn evenings and cold winter days. I like to cook for people I care about. I like being a shoulder to cry on. I like being there when a friend just needs to talk to someone. I like giving gifts that show I know the person and thought about what they would like.

I know that doing these things makes me happy, yet I still get hung up in bad cycles in my life. I know I have things I need to fix about my life. Many days I will even be able to see that the best way for me to break those cycles is to do more things for other people and stop focusing on myself. But it is still so difficult at times to remember that.

Autumn always makes me wax nostalgic of days when I had someone to curl up with on cold evenings, sipping hot chocolate and watching the leaves fall off the trees.

Here's a poem I wrote last year about this time:

Autumn

The smell of a campfire
   somewhere in the distance
   drifts along the road.
Leaves rustle in the wind
   discontent with their new home.
Yellow, Orange, Red, Brown
   Against the grey sky.
And although far away,
   I close my eyes, breathe the cool air:
I'm sitting under my old Maple
   And, for a moment, all is well.

Sigh

I have tickets to an Alumni dinner this evening, and tickets to a Homecoming Dance this evening. Krishna convinced me to buy tickets for the dance so that we could go as a small group. I haven't talked to her in a few days, so I don't know if she was successful in procuring a date; but I wasn't. So if anyone would like dinner and a dance this evening, shoot me an email. Or, alternately, if you would like tickets to the Big Band Semi-Formal, I'll sell them to you at half price ($10/couple rather than $20/couple). Honestly, I'm getting ready to be done with dating again for awhile. It's brought nothing but frustration, heart-ache, and emotional drainage for the last few months.

Confusion

The female mind confuses me. Greatly. I like girls. I enjoy spending time with them. I enjoy cuddling with them. But, honestly, they are a complete mystery to me for the most part. Here are a few of the even fewer things I DO know:

1. Girls like to be told they're pretty.

- Exception: I had a relationship where this was apparently the wrong answer to a question. I never did fully understand why, except she was crazy I guess.

2. Girls like flowers, especially when provided for no particular reason.

- I do know of one girl that hates surprises (I'm looking at you Lavish), and I am unsure how a surprise-hater would react to spontaneous flowers.

3. Girls like to feel safe. Often times, holding them is an effective way to achieve this phenomenon.

- Don't hold a girl unless she is comfortable with you doing so, else you may end up in some very serious physical pain. (Not from personal experience, just hypothesizing.)

4. Girls want you to talk to them, very often times about anything at all. Even if you think they will not be interested in the subject whatsoever (They might not be interested, but that isn't the point).

- I struggle with this one, but am consciously trying to be better at it. I tend to be comfortable with silence after I've gotten to know someone to a certain point. But I have been learning that this doesn't change the truth of point 4, you still have to talk about whatever. Probably for the same reason that I prefer to just listen to them talk. I like listening to their voice, so perhaps it has something to do with them just liking to hear our voice.

5. Be handy. It seems that being helpful, and being competent in various tasks are found to be attractive. Not on an I-want-you-now level, but a more subtle level that doesn't always kick in immediately. If you can fix a printer, hang a shelf, repair a toilet, change a tire, or do something similarly helpful and handyman-ish I think girls find that attractive. It has an effect and leaves an impression, but you may not see the results immediately.



I think those are pretty safe observations for the most part. Perhaps some female readers can make any clarifications or additions that are needed. I don't claim to be an expert, in fact if you go back to the top of the post you will see that I claim just the opposite, so please don't berate, instead offer corrections.

One final comment. Personally, the jury is still out on the "nice guy" issue. All of these points can throw you dangerously into the "nice guy" category. Girls will tell you that nice guys don't finish last. But a lot of my experience in life has shown that actions and words don't agree on this subject very often. I have yet to find a way to overcome this difficulty. Suggestions on the matter are welcome.

Why?

So, over the years I have had a number friends who are girls, as well as a few girlfriends. In my recollection I think that at some point in conversations with these girls many of them have said something along the lines of "Curious Physics Minor, why are you so nice to me?" And I think to myself what a sad statement that really is. I don't think that I'm overly nice, I'm just me. But I'm learning that I must be wrong in my hope that most guys are nice to girls, because, apparently, that isn't the case. Which makes me sad. Why aren't people nicer to each other, and more specifically, why aren't guys nicer to girls? Why do girls put up with guys that aren't nice to them?

I remember a friend I had in high school. She was in a bad relationship for something like 2 years before a small group of us that cared convinced her that the guy was a bastard (pardon my French). He insulted her, blamed her for his problems, pretty much just treated her like crap; but she'd always say things like, "He's not so bad", "He apologizes afterwards", "He's nice sometimes". We'd just shake our heads and feel sad for her. She finally got out of the relationship, and has since hopped from bad relationship to bad relationship. She tells me she's in a good relationship now, which I really hope is true because she's a great girl.

So.

Guys, shape up and be nice to girls.

Girls, don't put up with jerks. Kick them out on the street and don't let them come back.