But Happy

My previous two posts would suggest that I am in a rather unpleasant mood. And, I was. But despite my lack of sleep and my cold, I am happy. I just got home from a date that went really well and I'm really looking forward to my next opportunity to spend time with the girl in question. So, yes, I am currently and honestly happy. Which hasn't been the case for a while. So I'm going to relish in this and go play so Guitar Hero to celebrate.

Why do things like this happen to us?

So that title may sound a little dire, but if anyone recalls in 2006 a bum moved into our apartment for about 40 hours. Now we have situation where we're currently living. Papa Funk and I were roommates at the time of the bum incident, and now we have to deal with this one. Management companies have got to do a better job of screening applicants.

For those not in the know I'll bring you up to speed on the state of our house. Fall/Winter there were 4 of us living here. One got married in March and hasn't been able to sell his contract. The other moved to Japan for the summer and didn't sell his contract. So since the end of April it has just been Papa Funk and I living here, and that has been quite nice.

Last Thursday Papa Funk and I were sitting at home doing whatever. I think he was watching TV I was cleaning the kitchen. It's about 11:00 pm. Someone knocks on the door to say that he's signed a contract and will be moving in and has some stuff to drop off. Ok, that's all well and good. There's a small problem to start with. He has a thick accent (he's Haitian) and some days we can only understand about 20% of what he's saying, so just figuring out the whole "has a contract" thing was kind of tricky. But that's fine, you know, people are allowed to have accents.

His contract didn't technically begin until this past Wednesday, so we told him that over the weekend we'd clear out the room (we'd been using it for storage). So over the next few days he brings over more and more stuff which starts piling up all over, and over the weekend we finally get a chance to pull all of our stuff out of the room and his stuff gets moved in.

Turns out that the reason he's moving in is because he's getting a divorce. Because his wife decided to start smoking and drinking again (she was a convert and they got married in the temple). She would also go out partying with her friends and overdraft their checking account all the time. He finally figured out that that wasn't a good situation to be in.

Also it turns out that Papa Funk knows them because they come to his work. And he knows that his wife is a little bit on the crazy side in terms of being socially/fiscally/generally responsible. He feels that she is not a person we can trust to have in our house, and since the guy is getting a divorce we figure he must feel the same way. So we tell him that we don't want her in our house, ever. And he says he's fine with that.

We help him move stuff in and get his computer set up and stuff and generally be nice to the guy. He's trying to get his life back on track and things are messy, but we're nice.

He officially moved in on Wednesday (got his key from management) and things are fine.

Thursday, (that's the very next day!) Josh and I are sitting at home in the evening and there's a knock at the door. It's his (crazy) wife saying that she's meeting him here and that she'll just wait for him in his room. Standing on our front steps with her bleached-blonde hair done up in the typical Utah Rat's Nest hairdo (gross). We tell her, No, she's not coming in if he's not here. Cause we have no way of knowing if she's coming in to steal his stuff or do something inappropriate, ya know? They're supposedly getting a divorce, which generally means people aren't on good terms with each other. So we tell her to come back when he's home.

Now remember, we told him we didn't want her in our house, to which he agreed. About thirty minutes later he gets home and brings her in, and Papa Funk and I are not happy about it. She's inside for about 30 seconds and starts demanding answers about why we wouldn't let her in; to which we tell her why and she starts talking back at us. We were getting pissed.

Unfortunately for Papa Funk, I had to leave at this point to pick my sister and brother-in-law up at the airport. I didn't get home until about 1:45, so I'll fill in that part of the story from what Papa Funk told me.

He stayed up until about 1:00 waiting for her to leave, because he didn't feel comfortable going to bed with her in the house. She and new-guy finally left and Papa Funk locked the door and went to bed. I got home about 1:45 (as I said) and brushed my teeth and went upstairs. I'm in my room reading and within 10 minutes I hear his bedroom door open (his room is on the ground floor) and then I hear the front door open. Curious, I get up and move towards the stairs to try and determine what's happening.

The way my house is laid out is that the stairs break halfway up and make a 180 degree turn. On that landing is a window. At night this window acts as a perfect mirror to the doorway downstairs between the living room and kitchen/bathroom/bedroom area. So from the top of the stairs I can see a perfect reflection as the front door closes and he walks back into his room, followed by his wife after which he closes his bedroom door. I was not happy about this, but since it was already 2 am and I had work in the morning I decided I wasn't going to go argue with them about it on the spot. I waited for about 10 minutes to see if she would leave before going to bed.

In the morning Papa Funk got up and went to work, and then I got up around 9. While I'm in the shower I can hear his bedroom door open, and then the front door open and close. When I get out of the shower he's up and walking around. So I'm about 99.9% certain that she stayed the night. He snuck her in when he thought we were asleep and then tried to sneak her out in the morning. After we very clearly expressed that we didn't even want her in the house at all, to which he agreed. Of course, since this is single housing, the fact that he brought her into his bedroom at all, regardless of marital status, means that he violated his contract.

I told him straight out when I got done changing that, "She is not allowed to be sleeping here.". To which he tried to tell me a story about her leaving and coming back this morning before I got up. Which would have fit with what Papa Funk observed, because he did not know that I witnessed her coming in and going to his bedroom at 2 am. So after he told his fabricated story, I told him, "I know she came over last night after I got home at 2. So I just want to be clear: She is NOT allowed to sleep here." So he's got to know that he's busted.

Papa Funk and I then spoke to management, because we really don't want to come home one day to find our stuff gone. She's crazy enough to do it, and she is able to manipulate him into doing whatever she wants. So if she manages to convince him to let her borrow his key, we are going to have problems. Management agrees with us (thank goodness) and spoke to him to tell him that she is not allowed to be over here. It makes us really uncomfortable to have her in our house. Then management spoke to us again and said to tell them if anything else happens and he'll be gone instantly (it's nice to have management that loves you as tenants). Luckily, since he brought her into his bedroom, he violated the housing contract and getting rid of him will be rather easy, if need be.

So, now he knows that she cannot be in our house. So if he's stupid enough to bring her over here again thinking we won't find out [shakes head slowly] he's just asking for trouble.

He's a nice guy and all, but he doesn't seem to be in the top ranks of intelligence and allows this woman to manipulate him so much. And we hate worrying if our stuff will be gone when we get home. Or coming home and not feeling comfortable because we don't know if she's going to show up or not. Your home should be a sanctuary. And for Papa Funk and I it has been for months. That peace and security has been destroyed and we don't like it. We get enough stress at work every day, and want to be able to relax at home.

Now we feel like we have to play guard duty on the house day and night to make sure she's not there. I feel like I need to stay up late to listen for the front door, because he's already tried to sneak her in once. I don't like feeling this uncomfortable in my own home. So part of me and Papa Funk almost wishes for her to show up so that he'll be gone and we can get the locks changed and not feel like this. But if he does shape up and keep her away from here, then it's only four and a half weeks before his contract ends and we'll survive.

Sorry for the long post, but that needed to get out.

I should go to sleep

Every so often I'll get entranced with reading my old blog posts. Tonight I was sucked into reading about a year's worth of posts from my personal blog. It started when I was looking at my Google Analytics and wondered what post I could possibly have written that someone found by a certain Google search. I read the post, and then began reading more and more. It's very interesting to go back and relive your life every so often. You can reinterpret events, see how things have changed, or stayed the same. It's kind of funny, but sad at the same time. Reading through events from two years ago I was struggling with the same problems I still am--- mainly dating and what to do with my future. I also spend my time doing pretty much the same things: reading, watching movies, playing games, hiking, and working.

Life can seem to be so different, yet when you look back, so much of it is really the same.

I still hate the concept of dating as much as I ever did, and yet still need to find a way to convince myself to do it. (You know, those groups that practice arranged marriages might have been on to something...)

Anyways, it's late and I should go to sleep, just wanted to comment on my reflection before clocking out for the night.

Likes and Dislikes

I've identified a personality trait that really annoys me: Strangers who make themselves at home in my territory. It's my space and until I know you well enough you don't get to act like it's yours. Don't come in here and start tossing your stuff around, messing with furniture, and eating my treats. Grrr....


In other news, I've begun a collection of Halloween-y classical music. I plan on playing it from my car at ward FHE Trunk or Treat tonight. My mix so far contains:

In the Hall of the Mountain King
Danse Macabre
El Amor Brujo (Ritual Fire Dance)
The Devil's Trill
A Night on Bald Mountain
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Infernal Dance
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

as well as the Mannheim Steamroller Halloween Mix. Let me know if you have any other suggestions I can add to the list.

Nurturer

I've come to realize over the last week or so that I am a nurturer. I really like doing nice things for people. I like to take care of my friends when they aren't feeling well. I like to surprise people with thoughtful things. I really like bringing flowers to a girl spontaneously and watching her smile, giggle, and get all giddy. I like putting a blanket over someone when they've fallen asleep and the room gets cold. I like making people hot chocolate on cool autumn evenings and cold winter days. I like to cook for people I care about. I like being a shoulder to cry on. I like being there when a friend just needs to talk to someone. I like giving gifts that show I know the person and thought about what they would like.

I know that doing these things makes me happy, yet I still get hung up in bad cycles in my life. I know I have things I need to fix about my life. Many days I will even be able to see that the best way for me to break those cycles is to do more things for other people and stop focusing on myself. But it is still so difficult at times to remember that.

Autumn always makes me wax nostalgic of days when I had someone to curl up with on cold evenings, sipping hot chocolate and watching the leaves fall off the trees.

Here's a poem I wrote last year about this time:

Autumn

The smell of a campfire
   somewhere in the distance
   drifts along the road.
Leaves rustle in the wind
   discontent with their new home.
Yellow, Orange, Red, Brown
   Against the grey sky.
And although far away,
   I close my eyes, breathe the cool air:
I'm sitting under my old Maple
   And, for a moment, all is well.

Something

I've had this problem before, and I'm not sure what to call it. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, but perhaps it really is just a mild form of depression. I get into an emotional state where I feel like I want something to happen, but that trying to make it happen would lead to pain and anguish. Also coupled with that feeling is that at night I don't want to go to sleep. It feels like going to sleep is simply allowing more time to pass in the situation that I want to change. Or something. It's sort of like feeling that if I go to sleep, I'm letting more time slip by that I should be doing something valuable with. Not like I'm accomplishing anything by staying up later, I dunno.

This probably doesn't make any sense to someone that hasn't experienced it. I'm fairly certain I know what my problem is, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it. It's just very emotionally draining, and gives me this pit in my stomach, and twists my heart about a bit.

I should try to go to sleep now. I haven't been sleeping well, and waking up in the morning has been getting more difficult as it is darker each morning, and it was really cold this morning.

Disaster Zone and Life Update

My room is a complete disaster right now. Yesterday between work and dinner I had about an hour and a half, during which I went to my sister's to pick the last remnants of my stuff that was there. (Partially because I needed to pick up my suits, and partially because I just needed to do it.) So I got it home and basically just dumped stuff all over my room so that I could rest for 10 minutes before getting ready for dinner. Then upon returning home about midnight, I mostly just pulled the stuff off my bed and tossed it on the floor so that I could fall asleep. Maybe in the next hour or so I'll get the motivation to clean it up. Yah, I'll do that, put the doors back up, paint them white, and take some "after" pictures of my room. Ok, so maybe some of that will happen.

Anyways. I'll give a more complete account of my evening now that I'm conscious and functioning again:

A few weeks ago I signed up for the Computer Science Department Alumni Dinner. It's described as being for alumni and their families, but I figured I could RSVP for two and bring a date, since otherwise I probably wouldn't go. At the beginning of this week Krishna convinced me to buy tickets to the Big Bands Homecoming Dance, again I figured I would be able to get one of my friends to come along if all else failed. So I asked a girl if she'd like to go, she couldn't because she already had plans. So I asked another girl, same thing. And another, same thing. And another, same thing. At which point I was rather frustrated, annoyed, and becoming slightly depressed. So I made the second previous blog entry announcing my plight to my readers here on The Life of CPM blog. As all can see I did get a response from alishka babushka. She even went the whole nine yards and submitted a dating application. Ok, so honestly, the first thing I did was Facebooked her (I'm now using that as a verb, why not?), it may seem a little stalker-ish to Facebook someone, but come on, one must protect oneself from falling in with crazies, right?. Her Facebook information checked out, so I figured, "What the heck? I Might as well give this a shot."


So after picking up stuff from my sister's I got dressed in my tan suit from Banana Republic (I love that suit) with my burnt orange shirt and the chocolate brown with blue stripes tie that Poppa Funk gave me for my birthday. I even busted out the contacts, which I only wear on special occasions due to fact that they are my only remaining pair at the moment. I'm not one to boast about myself very often, but dang I looked good ;-). I went and picked up alishka at a quarter to 6. She had a fabulous red skirt with a black top, polished off with a rose in her hair. *ahem* Girl, you looked good.

Dinner went was quite good. We sat with my coworker and his family. Had Hawaiian barbecue with red juice. Watched some presentations, and the student animation "Las Pinatas". They then provided each alum with a DVD containing that short film, as well as the short film "Der Ostwind" which I saw last year at the student animation showcase, and I thought it was the best one there, and have wanted a copy of it for a while. After dinner we walked over to the HFAC and viewed the paintings on display. Then proceeded to the MOA to see the new "Cliche and Collusion" exhibit. It's an interesting look on how media affects our lives, and invades our thinking. The confusing messages that bombard us daily, the short attention spans we've developed as a society, and the suggestive marketing that pervades the media was all depicted in various ways. There are two full room video displays as part of the exhibit. One presents a journal style story of trip to a tropical island. The other was much more emotionally filled. It's a dark room with a mirror ball spinning, putting you in a romantic dance atmosphere. Then on three walls there are projectors displaying various phrases like "I've waited my whole life for this moment", "You are my love", "I'm so glad I finally found you" and the like. I think it would be the most romantic place in the world to propose to someone. So for anyone out there reading this and planning to ask that special question, it would be a great place.

After leaving the MOA we walked to the car to drop off the DVD so that I wouldn't have to hold it, or worry about it disappearing. Then we went in to the dance. alishka taught me the basic step to a couple of dances including the Triple Step and the Foxtrot. I did what I could to learn quickly, and hopefully didn't make too much of a fool of myself, as she's a real dancer. The dance was great, I really enjoyed the Big Band music (it was a full live band! like in Swing Kids!). I think the older style music made the evening feel more.... respectable. It's not the kind of music that you'll see people bumpin' and grindin' to. I dunno, something about it made the atmosphere seem more mature, which I really liked. We met up with Krishna and her date at the dance and chatted with them a little.

The whole evening was amazing. I really enjoyed myself, which I was very happy about since I was feeling pretty down about the whole thing beforehand. It was the first 'blind' date I'd ever been on, and probably the least awkward first date.


This morning I got up and rode in the Wells Fargo stagecoach in the Homecoming Parade. My roommate (Wells Fargo employee) was invited to bring some friends and ride, so we did. It was pretty fun. I never figured I'd ever be in a parade again after leaving High School with Marching Band, especially since I'd never even watched the Homecoming Parade before.

But anyways, that's my story. I'm feeling much better about life in general after the past 18 hours. Now I'm going to try to clean up my room. Oh, "Avatar: The Last Airbender" started again yesterday, so we'll watch that later this evening, so excited.

Hmm

I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep, so this will be very brief.

I had a wonderful evening with alishka babushka. I've never been on a blind date before, and that's basically what this ended up being, even if we set ourselves up. It really was an excellent night. Now, I'm going to sleep, and I think I'll sleep better tonight than I have all week.

Sometimes doing something a little crazy and out of character works out well.

:-)

Sigh

I have tickets to an Alumni dinner this evening, and tickets to a Homecoming Dance this evening. Krishna convinced me to buy tickets for the dance so that we could go as a small group. I haven't talked to her in a few days, so I don't know if she was successful in procuring a date; but I wasn't. So if anyone would like dinner and a dance this evening, shoot me an email. Or, alternately, if you would like tickets to the Big Band Semi-Formal, I'll sell them to you at half price ($10/couple rather than $20/couple). Honestly, I'm getting ready to be done with dating again for awhile. It's brought nothing but frustration, heart-ache, and emotional drainage for the last few months.

Confusion

The female mind confuses me. Greatly. I like girls. I enjoy spending time with them. I enjoy cuddling with them. But, honestly, they are a complete mystery to me for the most part. Here are a few of the even fewer things I DO know:

1. Girls like to be told they're pretty.

- Exception: I had a relationship where this was apparently the wrong answer to a question. I never did fully understand why, except she was crazy I guess.

2. Girls like flowers, especially when provided for no particular reason.

- I do know of one girl that hates surprises (I'm looking at you Lavish), and I am unsure how a surprise-hater would react to spontaneous flowers.

3. Girls like to feel safe. Often times, holding them is an effective way to achieve this phenomenon.

- Don't hold a girl unless she is comfortable with you doing so, else you may end up in some very serious physical pain. (Not from personal experience, just hypothesizing.)

4. Girls want you to talk to them, very often times about anything at all. Even if you think they will not be interested in the subject whatsoever (They might not be interested, but that isn't the point).

- I struggle with this one, but am consciously trying to be better at it. I tend to be comfortable with silence after I've gotten to know someone to a certain point. But I have been learning that this doesn't change the truth of point 4, you still have to talk about whatever. Probably for the same reason that I prefer to just listen to them talk. I like listening to their voice, so perhaps it has something to do with them just liking to hear our voice.

5. Be handy. It seems that being helpful, and being competent in various tasks are found to be attractive. Not on an I-want-you-now level, but a more subtle level that doesn't always kick in immediately. If you can fix a printer, hang a shelf, repair a toilet, change a tire, or do something similarly helpful and handyman-ish I think girls find that attractive. It has an effect and leaves an impression, but you may not see the results immediately.



I think those are pretty safe observations for the most part. Perhaps some female readers can make any clarifications or additions that are needed. I don't claim to be an expert, in fact if you go back to the top of the post you will see that I claim just the opposite, so please don't berate, instead offer corrections.

One final comment. Personally, the jury is still out on the "nice guy" issue. All of these points can throw you dangerously into the "nice guy" category. Girls will tell you that nice guys don't finish last. But a lot of my experience in life has shown that actions and words don't agree on this subject very often. I have yet to find a way to overcome this difficulty. Suggestions on the matter are welcome.

Be Someone

Fairly often my thoughts turn to some rather unusual processes. For instance, have you ever really thought about 'time'? Can you come up with a truly satisfactory answer for "What is time?" I can't, and that bothers me sometimes. Our existence on earth as mortals is entwined with a linear time, things occur in succession from one moment to the next. If we are to understand anything from the scriptures about time, we must concede that time is not simply linear. But, if it's not simply linear, in what fashion will we then interact with time? If life will be in any similar to our current existence it seems that at least moments of time must be linearly arranged. It takes time to do things. By the time you finish reading this sentence, or word, or letter, time will have passed. The only way for existence to make any sense is if you can read this sentence in order and comprehend what it's saying based on the linear arrangement of the words; which takes time. So time must be linear, but supposedly is not simply linear. I am really curious to know how God interacts with mortal events if time is not simply linear, it must be a fascinating existence.

As my mind delves into the realm of abstract philosophy I also find myself wishing I were part of something big. I read books and immerse myself into another existence, and dream that I could be a real part of something like that. To know for sure that I'm fighting the good fight, and that my actions will recorded in history and told as stories. To be in something larger than life. To play a real role that people take notice of. To make a difference. But life isn't like that, at least not for me. Oh sure, some people will talk about how we're all playing that part in our own lives in some way; but I don't want to just be playing the part of CPM in CPM's boring life. I want to set out on an adventure that will become my life for a long period of time. To go places and do things that no one else does. I guess I just feel like the world has become too small for my desires of adventure. When you can get anywhere in the world in 24 hours, it just doesn't seem like a real adventure. And, of course, I have no goal to reach at the end of any journey I may take.

I dunno, I just want to be part of something meaningful, to be someone.

Boredom

I work from home these days. I get incredibly bored. The most exciting part of my day, often times, is when I walk around the corner of the building to get the mail. Oddly, I find myself craving human interaction, but also have lost the motivation to date. I guess I've reached one of those points in life, again, where it just doesn't seem like it's worth it.

I'm starting to get used to the idea that I will live alone. I'll get my Master's degree in a couple years, find a job, buy a house, and live by myself -- potentially with a cat. This is not to say that I want to live alone. For the longest time I pictured my future involving at least a wife, and at some point a family. It was difficult to see myself living alone. Sadly, the visions have switched places now. I can much more easily see myself living by myself than having a family. I do have a fair bit of artwork to keep me company-- and my books.

Speaking of books: I've finished "Atlas Shrugged" over the weekend. While it does contain some nice arguments about various subjects, the overall theme seemed to be that purely socialistic policies will destroy a nation. Personally, I can't say it's one of the greatest works I've ever read, but it was pretty good. I also started and finished "The Philosopher at the End of the Universe" which is a foray into various philosophical ideologies as presented in modern science fiction movies. It was a fun read, lots of personality in the writing. Now I'm about half way through "Nickel and Dimed" which discusses the despicable conditions of the wage-slave class in the United States. Oddly, the author, Barbara Ehrenreich, has a Ph.D. in Biology, but writes for a living.

Those are all the random thoughts I have for the moment. Hope you enjoyed them.

Oh, and I still don't have anywhere to live come fall. I was supposed to go view a condo today, and 30 minutes before the appointment the management company called to cancel because they had just signed someone else. Thanks.

Ho hum...

WARNING! The following post is unusually stream-of-consciousness. It rambles around and goes all over the place, don't expect it to make full sense or have any point other than as an outlet for my thoughts.


You have been warned.

--------------------------------------------

I've been feeling oddly expository over the last week or so. I've had this strange urge to sit down with my closest friends and explain to them the things that are happening in my life that much of me would rather keep secret. The things in my life that I feel I have no one that I can talk to about. There is only one person, outside of 2 authority figures, that knows my darkest secrets, and they are not as big of a part of my life as they were a month ago. I don't even think that there is anything specifically I want to talk about, but part of me just wants to make my secrets not secrets anymore so that I don't have to carry them as burdens, so I can be me and if people don't accept me for me because of those things, then fine; I'm used to being alone. I hate it, but I've been alone for most of my life, and until I knew what it was like to not be alone I didn't realize how much it sucked.

Upon reading a friend's blog entry today I realize how similar we are in personality. I thought it would be interesting to follow his lead and just go through some of my personality traits, just to see what they look like typed up.

I am intelligent, very intelligent; I earned a 1520 on the SAT, with a perfect math section; I graduated from BYU on a 4-year full-tuition scholarship; I taught myself how to program in 6th grade; I read books of every variety as often as possible. I am currently working on a Master's Degree.

With that intelligence came the oft accompanied diminished social skills. I had no friends in my classes between grades 5 and 9. During these years I had two friends, both in the grade below me. Perhaps only having these friends for reasons of convenience of living near each other, and they didn't see me in classes as the geek I was. I hated middle school. Everyday was a level of misery. My main goal in life during those days was to become invisible - if no one noticed me then they'd leave me alone. Lunch was the bane of my day. I needed to sit somewhere to eat, but I had no table at which I'd feel accepted, and there were not enough tables to allow me to sit by myself. In 7th grade one of the teachers allowed some of us to go down to his classroom and play chess during lunch. I enjoy chess, and I'm half-way decent at it, and there I was at least among other social outcasts and we could exist without debasing each other.
My freshman year of high school was not much different, except now there were a bunch of upperclassmen to bother me as well. I remember one occasion where a senior guy stood on my chest and demanded that I say some swear words before he'd stop. I didn't. He stopped. He was later reported to the administration by another senior who had witnessed part of the event. He mostly left me alone after that. I wrote some poetry during high school. Much of it was rather depressing. In fact I think some of it is still visible on songmeanings.net under the artist name Kokopelli.

I really enjoy reading. One thing I dislike most about the school year is that I don't have time to read. So I stock up books and then during the summer read as much as I can. I read mysteries, sci-fi, fantasy, military thrillers, philosophy, biographies, history, historical fiction, pretty much anything. Reading lets me escape from my boring life, for at least a few hours a day.

I hate the paradigm of casual dating. That is, dating many different people, and often, until entering an exclusive relationship. I can only devote my emotional-romantic attention to one person at a time. I don't ask girls out on dates to figure out if I like them -- I already like someone when I ask them out on a date. So I feel some attachment to this person even though they likely reciprocate no such feelings. It makes dating really hard for me. And, of course, I have to make sure my affections stay deeply concealed lest I come across too strongly and never get anywhere.

I don't like being the center of attention, as the above experiences of my childhood may suggest. I would much rather be involved, but to the side, mostly watching - picking and choosing the moments that I'd like to be noticed.

I enjoy shopping, if I feel like I can spend money without feeling guilty. In two weeks it will have been one year since I learned how to shop. I learned how to buy clothes properly. How to find clothes that fit my build, and make me look good. How to walk into those trendy stores in the mall and look at things and say to myself, that's a nice shirt, or that's hideous, and have that opinion agree with what most of the rest of the world thinks. How to walk into those stores and not feel horribly out of place and awkward. Last week I spent 2.5 hours in the Provo Towne Centre Mall shopping for something nice to wear to the Celtic Woman concert. By the end I was dog tired, but I had some good stuff, and I looked *ahem* hella-good.

I'm having a really hard time forgiving someone who wronged me a few months back. I am not friends with this person anymore. When I see them I try to avoid contact. When I think of them I think first of the things they did that hurt me and I have to struggle to think of the times we enjoyed together. I think I'm making progress in the matter though. Just recently this person was in a car accident, and I found myself genuinely concerned as to whether they were alright or not. But then that was followed by a bitter thought that they had deserved it. I had to fight those feelings out because I knew how terrible and juvenile they were. I'm glad that this person, though quite shaken up, was uninjured.

There is only one sport I really enjoy playing: Ultimate. I haven't had the chance to play in a long time now. I actually am pretty decent at Ultimate, but the Orem Ultimate group seems to have fallen apart since last year; so I don't have anyone to play with currently.

I enjoy romantic-comedies, also known as "chick-flicks". Don't get me wrong, I also enjoy action movies and I especially enjoy movies that make you think really hard about what's happening and what the movie means. But I also enjoy watching chick-flicks. Conveniently my two roommates also enjoy them, and, as odd as it sounds, we three have watched a fair number of them with no girls present. Each time we comment on how silly it is for three guys to be sitting around watching chick-flicks. We went and say "Bridge to Terabithia" last night at the dollar theater. There was one girl with us, but we quite probably would have gone whether she was going or not. It was a good movie. I read the book a long time ago in school. It's funny the things we remember. I remember that the book had a yellow cover, Leslie gave Jess pastels (in the movie it's paints), and I remember that Leslie died and that I cried a little when it happened. Other than those things I remember very few details from the actual book.

I enjoy drawing, but I am not at all any good at drawing. I have a sketch book that I used in middle school art class. I have drawn in it a few times since then.

I enjoy writing poetry. I think some of it is quite good, but I rarely let other people read it.

I get depressed because I get lonely. I sleep a billion times better when I have someone to hold; a large pillow is sometimes an acceptable substitute.

In that last 3 years I can only think of 1 time that I yelled in anger. I was surprised at myself while it was happening, because it felt so stupid.

In the last 3 years I have only been seriously angry at someone once, and it was a different occasion than when the yelling occurred.

In the last 3 years I have only been seriously disappointed in someone once, it is the same situation of which I wrote earlier where I need to forgive them, it is not the same situation that I was angry, nor is it the same situation as the yelling.

In the last 3 years I have changed a lot. I believe most of those changes have been for the better.

My greatest fear is that I will spend my life alone.

I'm nice, possibly too nice. And so far my experience (as well as the experiences of my roommates) has been that nice guys finish last.


Well, I think that's enough for now. You all now know much more about my life than you probably ever wanted to.

Halloween

So Halloween has come and gone for another year. The Great Pumpkin provided me with sugar cookies and my wallet provided me with candy. The evening was a grand success with a viewing of Arachnophobia out on the lawn. It was cold, very cold, but many blankets made it comfortable.

I checked my grade for Modern Physics today, and found out I'm actually doing quite well. I have an A- at the moment and am ranked 9 out of 22 students. I was surprised at this because I almost always feel like I have no idea what's going on; but apparently most of the class has even less of a clue.

Lexi Khan leaves the state tomorrow. I will be bored and lonely for many days this month. I do have to take a test on Saturday, and Monday, so there will at least be something to partially distract me from my boredom... Maybe I'll get some work done on my projects that will be coming up due sooner than I think.