Understanding

So I had a conversation with Lavish today, and thought that I had learned something that made sense, but still bothered me because I wasn't sure what it meant was really the best course of action. Then I went to class for 2.5 hours, and came back, and upon reading some things came to a realization of the dirt truth. The bottom line reason why the events that transpired were the right thing to have happened. And part of me grasped this understanding and I wrote it all down so I could remember it in case it flits away in the next few days. And oddly part of me was happy after that realization, it wasn't a particularly happy realization, but I think it brought a peace to the part of me that couldn't let go. It is for the best. I have learned from the experience, and I hope you can too. That's what it was for both of us, a chance to learn a little bit more about ourselves. To learn that we're both not ready yet. To learn what it is we each need from a relationship and so we will be better prepared for the next time, and one step closer to being who we need to be before moving into the next stage of our lives.

Poem c. Fall 2006

In Her Hands

How is it so that purely emotional
pain has physical manifestation?
   The emptiness I feel is a hole
     in my chest.
   It gapes, and it hurts.
Something missing which I cannot replace
will it soon subside, or persist until
the day my stolen heart is returned?
And what when it's taken again.
  The hole remains unfilled,
     each time she goes away.
   Taking with her that which I gave,
     to cherish or destroy,
In her hands.

                    -Curious Physics Minor
                          Fall 2006

The Music of a Broken Heart

I've discovered a short term cure for the crushing depression of a broken heart.

First, load up your iPod with the following music:
- James Blunt - You're Beautiful (Radio Edit)
- Benton Paul - Dying to Find Out
- Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of a Good Thing
- Good Charlotte - Say Anything
- Guster - Keep it Together
- Matchbox Twenty - Shame
- Matchbox Twenty - Cold
- The Ataris - So Long, Astoria
- The Ataris - In This Diary
- The Ataris - Looking Back On Today
- Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me

Second, start the music playing and run 4 miles.

Third, hang out with your most awesome friends in the world. People who, when you walk off to find cream cheese in the grocery store, try to hide a 12 pack of beer in your shopping cart just for the heck of it (Thanks Christine).

And that, my friends, is how to successfully run away from your feelings for a few hours.

Empty

Feelings hit me like a brick wall
whenever I give my mind room to wander.
And though they fill me with emotion
I am still empty with despair.

The storm grows stronger each night
and my vessel is tossed.
The madness that envelops my sea
has begun to convince me that all is lost.

So I let the anchor for my failing ship
slip away feeling that any effort would be futile.

And now I remain alone in the ocean.

----------------------------------------

Everything about my life is empty at the moment.
I have no direction or goal to drive me forward.
I don't have a lot of faith like some people do.
I've even begun to question things about my life that used to be fundamental.

I graduate in April. I don't know if I want to go to grad school. I don't know if I want to just get a job. I don't know where I would work if I did just get a job. I have no relationship to focus on. I have nothing but a handful of friends. And if I were to lose them right now I would really feel like I am worthless.

I've always put other people before myself. I've based my self-image off of being able to make other people happy. Make my teachers and parents happy by doing well in school. Put my effort into making my girlfriend-of-the-time happy. Go to church to make my parents happy, and the other people in the ward happy. Try to do what was right to make the people around me happy.

I can't even remember the last time I did something for the sole purpose of making myself happy in a lasting sense and not just temporarily.

I... I... I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis. I don't think I really know who I am. And in the last week I've actually wondered to myself if I really wanted to do Computer Science. I GRADUATE IN APRIL!! I can't decide now that CS isn't what I really want, it's already done.

I've always had someone telling me what I should be doing, or how I should be living my life, so I did it.... But now I have to figure out for myself what I should be doing, or how I should be living my life. And I don't know the answer to those questions. I'm such a mess.

The Nerdy Runner

I was running in the SFH yesterday and on my second lap they closed the West Annex, so instead of 5 laps to a mile I had to do 7 laps per mile. But I had already run 2 of the 5 laps. So I did the calculation in my head to determine precisely how many laps I would need to do on the small track to make my two miles.

1/7 = 0.142... (I only calculated it out to three decimal places, have you ever tried to do long division in your head while running?)

2/5 = 0.4

3/7 = 0.426

So I switched from already having run 2 laps (in fifths) to 3 laps (in sevenths), and added a partial lap to make up for the missing 0.026 miles.

Unfortunately during that time my iPod didn't play "White and Nerdy", but that would have been very appropriate.

Bourne. Jason Bourne.

I just finished reading, "The Bourne Identity." The book and the film are only faintly related. The book is about 1000 times more in depth and complicated, and way more long term exciting. I really enjoyed it. I anxiously await my chance to read the other two books in the trilogy.

Books make me happy. I could spend days reading. Over the break I read in order: "Gates of Fire", "The Mythical Man-Month", "Halo: Ghosts of Onyx", and just finished the aforementioned book. I just really enjoy reading good books. [shrug]

I am in a jogging class this semester. A friend and I have taken to running in the SFH each evening at 8 pm (come running yourself, you'll probably see me, but won't even know it....). I am enjoying it even though it is hard work.

I started a new website over the break. BackwardsChef.com. That link takes you to the development site so you can see my progress. Mostly I've got the base layout set up. I'm working on getting the database up and running, but it's not cooperating. The idea of the site is that you can input the ingredients that you have, or specifically don't have and it will return recipes that you can make. No more searching through recipes realizing that you can't make it because you're missing some single ingredient.... Enjoy

Has the semester started? let me check my credit card bill...

3 books, $330. I love the smell of price gouging in the morning..... ugh...