Empty

Feelings hit me like a brick wall
whenever I give my mind room to wander.
And though they fill me with emotion
I am still empty with despair.

The storm grows stronger each night
and my vessel is tossed.
The madness that envelops my sea
has begun to convince me that all is lost.

So I let the anchor for my failing ship
slip away feeling that any effort would be futile.

And now I remain alone in the ocean.

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Everything about my life is empty at the moment.
I have no direction or goal to drive me forward.
I don't have a lot of faith like some people do.
I've even begun to question things about my life that used to be fundamental.

I graduate in April. I don't know if I want to go to grad school. I don't know if I want to just get a job. I don't know where I would work if I did just get a job. I have no relationship to focus on. I have nothing but a handful of friends. And if I were to lose them right now I would really feel like I am worthless.

I've always put other people before myself. I've based my self-image off of being able to make other people happy. Make my teachers and parents happy by doing well in school. Put my effort into making my girlfriend-of-the-time happy. Go to church to make my parents happy, and the other people in the ward happy. Try to do what was right to make the people around me happy.

I can't even remember the last time I did something for the sole purpose of making myself happy in a lasting sense and not just temporarily.

I... I... I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis. I don't think I really know who I am. And in the last week I've actually wondered to myself if I really wanted to do Computer Science. I GRADUATE IN APRIL!! I can't decide now that CS isn't what I really want, it's already done.

I've always had someone telling me what I should be doing, or how I should be living my life, so I did it.... But now I have to figure out for myself what I should be doing, or how I should be living my life. And I don't know the answer to those questions. I'm such a mess.