Transformers

Here are 13 things I "learned" from Transformers (which I saw last night at the dollar theater):

1. When an alien robot attacks a military base the only people to survive will be a rag-tag special forces unit, who happened to take a picture.

2. Alien robots can 'hack' into government systems using fancy, human-audible, audio signals. It remains unclear how this magical process works.

3. Good alien robots always pick fun, but tactically useless cars to disguise themselves as.

4. Bad alien robots always pick friggin' awesome, decked out military vehicles to disguise themselves as; for example: a tank, attack helicopter, or an F-22 jet fighter.

5. Bad alien robots are always way stronger than good alien robots, not to mention like 10 times bigger. As such, without the help of otherwise useless humans the good alien robots would be annihilated by their bigger, badder counterparts.

6. As long as a bad alien robot walks around non-nonchalantly no one will notice them, even as they walk by hundreds of police and military personnel, or through Air Force One.

7. A super bad alien robot who can conquer the opposing alien robots and lead his followers across the universe in pursuit of their magical cube thingy fails to take into account the Earth's magnetic field upon atmospheric entry, and therefore ends up frozen in the arctic circle for 11,000 years.

8. When trapped in a secret government facility under the Hoover Dam there will be an entire room filled with old computer/radio equipment covered with cobwebs, however, there will be no microphone. In lieu of a microphone one can send Morse code (ok so far). But, in order to send the Morse code, you must rewire a computer terminal to the radio and hope to heaven it has a built in Morse code program which will listen to and properly parse the audio Morse code signal to hyphen and period characters and display it on the screen. If this awesome hacker dude already knows Morse code (unlikely, given his age), wouldn't it have been easier to simply take a live wire wired to the radio and tap it against something grounded?

9. Somewhere within about 30 miles of the Hoover Dam is a large city with many 4-story overpass structures and sky scrapers, but is NOT Las Vegas.

10. A giant alien robot bent on your destruction will bend down and reveal his only vulnerable point within arms reach of you and the only thing that will destroy him.

11. When alien robots invade Earth the United States will be the only country to know or care about it.

12. When alien robots invade Earth not a single person will suggest using nuclear weapons (and the resulting EMP wave) to try and destroy them before they kill everyone.

13. You can save the world so long as you have at your disposal a hot girlfriend, the United States Air Force, a Special Forces unit previously stationed in Qatar, oh, and a team of giant alien robots.


Despite these things I actually did enjoy the movie; I just had to turn my brain way off.